Thursday, June 12, 2003

Mrs Tay (the lady that I said I hv long artistic fingers) came over today to see the design. She took a while to digest it but she was pleased with it. So please that she kept showering me with compliments. As she pat me on the back she said " Good boy, u done a really good job". Man..I m not a kid ,I thought. And I don't buy any compliments people give to me. A bit too much of pessimism I guess.
She went on saying that she had previously plans designed by architects but our design is the one she like most. No complaint at all. Sincere opininon or just meaningless sweet words? Hard to tell these days. Doesnt really matter though. I think I m wise enough to know how good or bad I am.
Sometimes I wish I could believe that I m not all bad. That despite all my faults there is still something good about me that desrves me a place in this world.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

It is unfair that it always seems like good words always come from people that u tend not to belive and hurtful ones comes from people that u depend on.
The other day, a chinese lady walked into the office and and she commented that I am very artistic and she could tell that just by looking at my fingers. "Your finger are very long, I know u r an artistic person. I beleive in you to do my landscaping". So we came to see her house the next day and she she greeted us with a wide grin and predictable homelies. Also she remembered my name. As she showed us around she was very generous with complments on us and I started to sense that she is one of those people who are being nice just to get people to do things for them for free.

I ve received many compliments on my work. Most people that saw my drawing said the are nice. And each time I either thought that they were just being nice or I that their opinions adont worth much because they lack credibilty to judge my work.

I think I ve stop beleiving anything good about myself long ago as a defense against vanity and arrogance.My pessimism is the bi product of that. But one good thing I know I still have. I m always ambitious and I am always have the enthusiasm to pick up new skills.

I beleive I'll be fine. May be not great, but I'll be fine.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

"A door opens. Locate the exit before u enter".

Charles called today. He asked about the job he gave me. I said I've been working on it. Meaning : I 'll start on it tonite. So we re gonna meet on Friday.Plenty of time. He said he is setting up his own showroom and he want me to design it. I m excited but cautious. It is hard to get excited about anything these days, as hard as distinguishing between people who want to work with you and those who want to take advantage of you.But yo have to speculate to accumulate. You have to approach life with certain optimism. Dream and hope that is what make life livable.

I m excited because if Charles really set up his showroom he will invite to join him. And I will.Happily. .I m excied about the prospect of being a decison making member of an ambitious design company.And maybe after a few years I 'll make an associate director. Then maybe we'll diversify into home building.And then my ambition of owning a construction business will really come true.Maybe. It is worths a shot.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

15th Mei 2003.
A historical day in my life. I did something smart. I got engaged. A step closer to settling down. And I feel more and more like a normal person.It didnt go exactly the way I planned it but I was happy. Come to think of it I didnt really have any plan. I was just hoping it turn out right.
She looks pretty and happy.Everybody looked happy. I was engulfed by an akward sense of importance that day realising that that day was about Aishah and me.. And it s touching to see everybody putting efforts , taking trouble for you. My uncle came all the way from JB.I never knew how to stand on the spotlight but that day it was nice.

My relatives didn't say much about Aishah afterwards. I could see most of them were surprised to find Aishah's father is an Englishman.I was expecting they make some comment about it. But nobody did.
I was a little dissappointed my father didn't talk much to Aishah's dad. There's a language barrier I know but he could at least try. Besides I ve been telling him that he can speak and understand Malay. And Aishah's dad was speaking Malay all the time that day.Maybe dad felt akward.It is not every day he meet an English.

At the early stage of our relationship I didnt know what I like about her. But today she gave me some reasons. She thanked me for the ring and all the gift I presented her. I felt the gifts are a little bit on the modest side but she showed much appreciation for it.I admire her humility. She didnt really care if the stone on the ring is real or fake. For someone who is brought up in relatively affluent household ,she is not spoilt.

I m happy. Thanks.

Friday, February 14, 2003

'The happier you are the less u have to write'

Been a while.

I should be counting my blessings. Few little nice things have been happening. The bosses made a new arrangement for me after I told them my intention to quit.They raised my salary up to RM2300 and I am also given a 1% comission from every project confirmed. 1% is not much but..hey it is money. Mr Yong , Harry's architect friend offered me part time job.Doing bathroom details is nothing exciting but it is a start. Also I ve been doing job consistantly for Mr Hanifah, a small time contractor that might have some potential. The relationship has developed into a friendly one more then a business orientated . He mentioned about forming a company with me as one of the players, but I didnt ask him to elaborate cause I dont think I m ready yet. So far I havent received any payment from him yet, but once the projects started maybe we ll start seeing some money.

All those things are nothing to shout about.But maybe I should try to beleive that on little things big things grow. Maybe eventually all the proposals I did for Mr Hanifah will actually be constructed and I ll get paid.Maybe the company will be securing projects on regular basis and my 1% comission becomes a consistant addition to my salary. May be Mr Yong will give me more job and I ll finally be able to get back to architecture. Maybe..Life goes the way u think it.

And still dont have any friends though. On the bright side, I have 3 new co workers. All girls, so no hanging out after work. At least they provide some human interaction at work.

Chances, when you dont take it ,will be taken away. Same goes for blessings when r not grateful. I should always remind myself that. Sometimes u take things for granted.

Aishah always reminds me to do the Dhuha prayer. Sometimes I woke up too late for it. I always have problem with discipline.

Monday, January 20, 2003

I always tell myself 'Today is the first day for teh rest of my life". But it doesnt seem to have the same effect as when I heard Aishah said "Apa yg dah lepas tu lupakanlah. Kita fikirkan pasal apa yang kita nak buat for the rest of our life." Sometimes you need comfirmation- someone to tell you that what u believe is right.

Sunday, January 05, 2003

Being alone is not so bad once u get over worrying about people thinking that you are weird.

Went to Mid Valley. The usual. Went to MPH which I personally consider a public library. Continued reading "Interior Architecture". Hopefully one day I ll have RM 147 to spend on that book. Buying books gives a sense of security. The funny thing is I never really cared about books when I was a student.

Watch "Sweet Home Alabama"- a movie about how a woman make fools of men who sincerely love her and still being adored by everybody.A story that I can relate to. How art immitates life.

Had fish and chips for dinner at the food court. I dont feel akward dining alone at public places anymore. I m immuned. I ve stopped caring. There were times in my life that I wished I m incapable of feeling anything. maybe my wishes has been granted.

I still havent decided whether to accept my bosses' offer to stay in the company. RM2300 per month, a share in the company, company's car , new co-worker- sounds like a colour pallette for a pretty pitcure. Honestly I ve been enjoying this - being wanted, desperately wanted. It has been a great ego booster to see people that I considered manipulating me on their knees, begging. "Please stay. This company will cripple without you". Compliments doesnt come more extravagant than that. And revenge doesnt come sweeter.

But as Aishah said, I should do whatever makes me happy. Working at PB doest make me happy. It drains out my sense of well being, my sense of importance. But I wonder if RM 500 extra every month will paint my sky blue. I know it will give a sense of moral satisfaction if I can prove that money offering doesnt make me compromise my principle, doesnt side track me from pursuing my ambition. Doesnt dull my enteprenureship spirit.

And how I love her." Whatever you do, I'll support you.", she said. Sometimes I feel like she is all I need.

Bila sendirian
aku tak dapat lari
dari mempersoalkan
adakah ini
ataupun mimpi
yang akan hilang
bila ku terjaga nanti

Kau ada segalanya
yang ku inginkan
terasa seakan sempurna
sebagai kekasih dan teman
apakah mimpi-mimpiku
telah menjadi kenyataan
ataupun hanya aku
dibutakan perasaan

Ingin kubukakan hati
dan serahkan padamu
tapi ku bimbang akan
terluka seperti dulu
Ingin aku tanyakan
Ingin aku tahu
mungkinkah kau rasakan
apa yang aku
rasakan padamu

A song that I wrote long ago. Long before I knew her. Funny how things happen. It is as if I knew then that we r gonna meet. Someone that is too good to be true. My Florence Nigthingale that will pick up the pieces of my broken heart and glue them back together with her love.

Di dalam ribut dalam kalut
aku mencari tempat berpaut
dipukul gelombang
terdampar di pangkuan mu

Kau sentuh ahti kau rawat jiwa
buat ku hilang rasa kecewa
kau balut luka
lama yang masih terus berdarah

Terkadangkala ku terasa
dunia bagai panas membara
disisimu ku temui..

...someday I ll finish that song and sing it to her..