Friday, December 27, 2002

I m late again for work.Tardiness has become a habit hard to change for me now. I ve lost the enthusiasm that once I had in abundance towards my work and this office.I felt like I ve been used. I felt like they havent been sincere. I felt like they have been selfish. However I dont feel like I have the right to be angry because I think that they are merely playing the game of survival. Besides I dont beleive in feeling angry and complaining. Either you change it or u endure it. Whining is not an option.

I m looking forward to hand in my tender for resignation . I don't think the new work place will be much better but at least it is new.Besides it is a way of me saying "Take this u manipulating , profiteering employer!!".

I 'd love to go back to JB. Work and live there. Everything is more expensive but at least more familiar. The roads, the faces, the building are all more familiar to me. And some people actually know me by name over there.I can go to the stadium to watch Johor FC play. And my parents are only 1 hr drive away. I can go back at w/end and play soccer wt the boys. I can turn the shed to a woodwork station . I can do small projects to furnish my house. I think I ll enjoy that. I can help my mom landscape the house.which I think she will like..Besides, I dont think I'll have much chance to do that after I got married. Aishah would want to live in Penang and my mother will be reduced to someone I meet only once a year. I wonder when she pass away would I be overwhelmed with regrets that I don't spend more time with her. How miserable is that going to be.

What is attractive about working in Jb is that it offers me the opportunity to live in two different environment. In the kampung and also in the city. U need a regular dose of the country side if u are to live in the city . I 'll have more things to do. Life will feel more like living. Over here in KL it is all about making a living.

But JB doesn't have a bookshop as comprehensive as MPH at Mid Valley or Konikuniya at KLCC. I would miss that. Also JB is too far from Penang. Too far from my source of happiness.

Life is full of options. And I spend most of mine in indecisiveness.
Time flies.Or it drags. Either way it has been almost 1 yr since I moved to KL. I still hate this place.Or maybe I just hate myself. Why do I stay then? Hope. Hope that things will get better. Or maybe it is despair.Despair that makes me think it will the same no matter where I go. So why bother moving.